Heyaa Bunnies!
Ahhh I am so damn happy writing this!
It has been a while I guess.
The past few weeks I have been going through my facebook posts and my blog posts (which I am not done yet) and goshhh - the nostalgiaa.
It is crazy to read all of it, disconnected from the person you were.
It feels like watching it from a whole different perspective (closer to your perspective now I guess).
There are certain things that popped up that are still very much relevant today and then there are things mentioned by myself that I could not relate to at all anymore.
Mostly how incredibly critical I was of myself. Why did I continually pressured myself that much? I think it was a big reason for my bad mental health and why I had to draw back that much.
But also the way I have been expressing myself through my posts almost made me cry. A young adult with so much passion and joy. I am still a young adult of course but it has been a while I was expressing myself that way.
Spoiler Alert: This post will probably be hella long. I want to take the time to get some things off my chest and I hope it still reaches a few of you.
First things first: I did quit gyaru in the meantime.
I think it happened around the time I got my new job, which I have now for 2 1/2 years. So even though I sometimes post something or tried getting back to it, I consider these almost 3 years of a gyaru break.
Just like the title is telling you, I spent these in isolation.
I had some family events or once in a while met up with a friend but beside that I was barricading myself up in my apartment. I had no energy to be social.
I had to force myself to go to a concert or take a walk in a park.
My fashion and makeup taste was very much different as well, but more to it later.
During these years I was able to reflect on a lot of things and obviously I am not 22 anymore, so I am quite more mature as well. I was setting my foundation I would say.
And oh boy - when they say your brain is done developing at 25, that's some wild shit.
This year was such a full-speed of development. I had my 25th birthday in August and it started a few weeks before I guess. You view the world completely different.
What's up with that?
My current job allows me to express myself more. It is still a very much professional setting but I can wear my own clothes, style my hair, do my makeup and EVEN WEAR NAILS!
It is not physically or mentally exhausting, sometimes it barely feels like working and I can't express enough how much that helped me. Oh how much I enjoy it.
My colleagues sometimes make fun of it but they know that I am getting stuff done as well and they are glad when I take some burden off of them.
One of them likes to walk past me and mutter "today I am doing nothing and look pretty while doing so".
And for like 60% of the time this is an accurate description, I am not even joking.
I was still able to have kinda a unique style and my nails also sometimes were very extravagant but they got used to it. I think it will be very possible to integrate my gyaru style into it.
My style was influenced by xiaohongshu - an app I still like to use often.
I was pretty much just wearing whatever I felt like but got a lot of inspiration from there.
here are some pictures of the dresses that I wore:
I think it has some hime/himekaji vibes to it as well.
After a while I ditched my black wig and my hair was about shoulder length.
I actually managed to do nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing - to my hair.
Could you believe this?
Looking through my blog posts: was there ever a moment I let my hair just take a damn break?
It's insane! I think most of the damage was also the back and forth between black henna and bleaching it.
Right now I have dyed my hair twice in a lighter color (without bleach) and no henna in it.
It has grown so much!
I want to get a haircut though, I do not like the cut I have right now.
During fall and winter my style was more cozy, a bit like mori you could say.
I don't have many pictures of myself, I generally just expressed myself for myself and for daily routines and did not bother at all.
Being on xiaohongshu made me look up China and I have grown a passion for another country now. I would even say I prefer China over Japan. Sorry.
I started learning chinese and I am currently at 82% in my online course, which teaches you basic grammar until HSK4 level.
Obviously I can't really properly speak it right now but I want to approach it the same way I did with English.
I booked a flight to Singapore for next year to deepen my Mandarin skills and travel again. I haven't traveled through these years.
In one of my new years resolutions on facebook (the last one I made) I stated that I want to live life more offline. I was surprised reading about it.
I subconsciously did exactly that without really realising it.
My hobbies shifted to more indoor activities.
I started reading books and writing on my own now.
I always wondered why I disliked reading, but could stay on the phone for hours reading short stories on it and at the same time prefer reading on paper.
I realised that the books were in german and the stories on the phone were in english, so I considered buying a book in english.
That's it! I love reading now.
I think, because when you grow up with the internet, you get used to all the english content, it makes you feel more familiar with it?
My cousin, same age, also prefers content in english.
Her sister, a couple years older, says it is the opposite for her. She understands english very well but it is exhausting to her to do it for a longer period of time.
I have been writing a couple short stories to myself now to get better at writing - it is so much fun!
The stories of course are very cringe and I probably will never publish them, they're just expedient to enhancing my writing style and get better at grammar and vocabulary.
Maybe blogging was just step one to get into writing, technically it is similiar.
I am currently working on my own book, maybe I will publish this one?
I also tried crocheting. I finished only one project so far but it had me so intrigued.
I think my issue with crocheting is, that the projects I want to do are the ones that will take you some time to finish and by the time to continue, my mind has already wandered somewhere else.
Or has prioritised other things.
What I love about crocheting is - sometimes your mind is just busy and crocheting gives you that break you need.
You don't want to do anything, can't read because you can't concentrate but also don't want to scroll online for inspiration because it is exhausting you.
Then crocheting is my type of thing to do - your hands are busy and the monotone work makes it easy for you to think about a lot of things but not in the melancholic, I sit in the corner getting drunk off wine, type of way but rather the, I come to a solution, type of way.
Or it helps you to just let it go.
Maybe some day I will finish a project, maybe I will start embroidery.
Another hobby I got is nail art!
I do make my own nails, and they are currently size 2XL.
I get a lot of comments by our customers on it but many are quite positive.
I think most are just impressed by how I manage things with these.
Sometimes you can feel they stare, you look down and do your stuff but you feel them staring on your nails, watching your every step.
"How does she pick up this thing? How does she hold a pen? What design is on it?"
The most intense stare is by far when I open the cash register to get their change.
Yes, it is all possible with it. You also hear the same sentences like 20-30 times a day.
Some are rude though. I hated the lady who pointed at my nails telling me "You don't do housework with these! I do housework and I can tell you don't!".
Well, then who is doing it then? The magic genie?
Just because it goes past your head what is possible and what is not.
You make it possible. Simple.
You want them, so you get shit done.
I was able to find a technique to apply them in a way they won't come off, ever.
Not even the gems, no matter how big they are. They come off when I want them to.
Sometimes, they are attached so well, that I can't get them off when I want to.
I think my resolution for next year will be more defined - live more offline, OUTSIDE.
I want to live a little more and enjoy things while I am still able to.
Also I want to plan more ahead.
Right now, my head is thinking about tomorrow and the day after and that's it.
When events approach, like easter, christmas, new years eve or even my own birthday I had nothing planned. I will spend this new years eve joining my parents and their friends again, or otherwise I would be alone.
It makes you enjoy these times less as well if that makes any sense?
There is no excitement, the day arrived and nothing happens.
I was able to get more confident during these three years as well.
Without having the noise from social media, you can just develop more in your own way I think.
Even though I have each of it - tik tok, instagram and facebook - the only ones I actively use are X and xiaohongshu. All the others I am checking once in a while.
Of course also pinterest but I don't really count it.
Even though X get's highly criticised for it, I love the free speech it offers.
There are more people thinking like me and it doesn't get censored or tabooed, you feel less lonely with your opinions.
Especially when you consider yourself to be more politically in the middle (which sometimes by nowadays standards is supposedly far right-wing extremist??)
Also I haven't encountered any gaijin gyaru on there yet?
I prefer japanese gyaru content.
Is there even a gaijin gyaru community left?
No matter where I am looking, maybe it's because I have distanced myself a lot, but it seems dead quiet.
I am not quite sure if I can even reach any through my blog anymore?
Maybe it was the pandemic or maybe the political shift of the left leading more to the extremist sides, which the young newbies have adapted but the vibes right now remind me of a cemetery.
Here lies the joy and fun of gaijin gyaru.
I think it also made me very frustrated, all these rules - for what?
In some way it was more a generational fight as well. Newbies were arguing with Vets.
This shift made many people - including me - paranoid.
After I distanced myself from the community, I kept contact with the friends I made over the years but I couldn't let go of this feeling that I was alone.
I started blocking and deleting more and more people I enjoyed talking to, sometimes arguing with them as well until I left for good.
It is insane to think of it - in japan it's not appreciated talking about politics in public settings, maybe we should adapt that. In the end gyaru is a culture, a fashion and a passion that has no place for all of this.
When you look at western gyaru on tik tok, they keep explaining what is gyaru and what is not and whether there should be rules or shouldn't be. In japanese tik toks, gyaru are dancing and lip syncing to music just having fun. It's a whole other vibe.
Maybe I am also getting old but I am getting really sick of these discussions.
I just want to talk about fashion and makeup, collect magazines, sing karaoke and get drunk - simply having a good time.
Another resolution for next year: being less bitter, hesitating less and getting more relaxed and quirky like I used to.
That being said - I got some bleach and hairdye sitting in my bag next to me.
