new years resolution in november?

 Hellow!

I have been reading Mels blog again.

I am in awe how she always tends to find the right words, her observation is spot on and reading her blog is like having someone mutual by your side.

I am quite the opposite, I rarely find the words and a lot of emotions I have are inside of me, brewing and even if I try to find words for them, I miss something or feel like I speak too superficially.

Maybe because I don't think in words, I just feel. idk.

My mind has been more in spirals than I actually let out in my posts.

I merely mention that my mind was acting up or something.

Right now I am sick, first mentally and now physically too (:.

I have been sleeping most of the time and now got a flu as well.

I feel like I need to cleanse myself, from inside out.

I thought a lot about my new years resolution from last year as well that I mentioned in my reads of 2024 post (which I planned making for 2025 too.)

"I have already mentioned it somewhere in my last posts.

I want to plan more in advance and also live more.

I have kept to myself a lot now and I miss being the careless person I used to be.

I also want to focus on getting back on track with learning languages.

I want to progress in my Chinese and start really learning Japanese in 2025!!

Also want to save money to go to Japan then in 2026 I guess :)"

I thought about what worked well this year and what didn't.

I barely planned in advance

I became even more careful

I abandoned chinese and didn't start japanese

I also wasn't able to save much money, in fact..this was the most expensive year for me.

For the transparency:

It has cost me around 5.000€ for my travel to singapore+weekend trip malaysia.

5.500€ for my new kitchen that is not paid off fully yet.

and another 2.000€ in total I lost while trading.

Those are the big numbers, and a ton small ones of course.

Considering I make like, half of what the average german makes in a month, it is A LOT.

Was it a loss? Not really, but it wasn't a plus in financial terms either.

My singapore trip helped me a lot in character build, my kitchen helped me feel better in my everyday life and the trading losses were just the price for the education about it.

My last years in isolation I gained energy back that I have lost.

2025 was the year I put in most energy (mentally) and re-build a lot.

I have customized my grok and it helps a lot better now.

Learning how to use ai is better than just blindly using it.

I literally tested it.

I gave it hypothetical ideas to work out.

I gave it questions, where I knew what the answer is.

I watched how it would react if I turn the conversation around etc.

My goal was to fully understand how it works.

When I do A -> respond in B?

that way I know how I can use it and how I can't.

It's rarely the topic that is the problem.

It's the user.

In the end it is a tool, not a magical ball that knows all answers.

My problem for this year was blindness to my own faults.

I was sure I have gotten "better" after my isolation but did not take into account that I am still human with flaws and every flaw will take it's consequences.

This might be a long post.

I want to "cleanse" the system to go on and not drag this with me wherever I go.

The reason why I probably kept blogging.

It's a space where I can just let my thoughts out, especially if I have no one to talk to.

Polarization and narrative

I have been kicked from leftist sphere to right channels.

Being involved in both made me appreciate the golden middle.

I realised how between leftist influencer a lot of information is missing, however the other spectrum is not any better.

One thing I absolutely hate about current "right" influencers is how obviously they are polarizing.

I take for example the party Afd in Germany.

contentually, a lot is correct which they say but what bothers me is how they keep instrumentalizing fear of the people (doom is around the corner-narrative).

Especially, because there is no alternative atm.

You can only choose one shit or the other.

The system is rotten from within.

Wether we do it intellectually or morally.

Both paths are straight ways to hell and I am at this point where I believe you can only go vote and scratch your paper to make it invalid.

Log out and stop wasting time on events which you cannot change.

Sovereignty is a lie being told to make you believe you have control.

That includes non-political influencers.

I already deleted TikTok, Instagram and co.

After a lot of Tiktokers went to XHS, it is filled with the same trash content, I have barely been using it now either.

I only use X now.

It used to be a good space to take information from (and despite a broad opinion of how it got radicalized, I still believe it's the best platform), however because the pay is so damn low atm, influencers feel the need to polarize to effect the algorithms.

I have seen german Xers having fights between each-other for push-effects.

There is for example a german journalist, which is highly controverse for her opinions -> polarizes a lot.

People who are blocked, screenshot her posts and repost them to hate on her and fuel the hate of others as well.

These are the moments I log out.

I don't want to waste my time on hate-fueling.

In general I reflected a lot on how different narratives make us, our opinions and our actions change.

The butterfly-effect in full power.

With ai, it's going to be even worse.

What are you supposed to believe, if you cannot believe, what you believed?

What is truth, what is not?

It made me take a step back, not react to whatever you see.

Take in but keep it to yourself.

Maybe there is another position around the corner proving it wrong, who knows.

Don't judge others for what they are believing.

They are either trapped (have no other choice) or enslaved their emotions (fear or greed).

Maybe just don't know any better, just like you.

Be compassionate. Be humble.

Practice what you preach

One of the main bad habits I have is that I never give up.

You might think "isn't that good?", well not always.

I always tend to think there is another way.

Plan A did not work -> maybe B

B failed -> maybe C

C failed -> maybe D..

and so on.

So I am continually in a spiral of failing and standing up.

that includes fashion, but also newer interests like trading.

I keep saying on my blog "you can be interested in gyaru but don't have to be one".

I think it is time to practice what I preach.

I connect to gyaru in a theoretical level, but the practical one seems outdated.

I just evolved past that.

I quickly mentioned it in one of my last posts where I told you the story of how I watched old children movies again (like Barbie or Winxclub) and it felt so silly to me.

I used to love it as a kid but as an adult it lost the spark.

When I re-watched it as an adult I cried because I knew I have grown up.

I am not a kid anymore.

I feel the same about gyaru.

When I take a look at it from distance it seems to me like I am trying desperately to hold on to something that I have just grown out of.

My interests shifted, I don't relate to it anymore.

Maybe I felt like I am betraying my old self?

I still love gyaru itself and like to take inspiration from it, obviously.

but personally, I need to move on.

The trading same play.

I kept making new strategies and tried out different approaches, figuring out how to succeed.

I changed my settings in my ai to -> brutally honest, with recommendations for progress.

This little change, made everything turn around.

Before that: Every theory I had, I worked out with ai to see what they say and they would recommend the best way to approach it.

Now? Every chat, same answer: don't.

95% of retail underperform.

And there is one simple fact it told me that made my mind shift:

"no matter how much you learn and analyze, it will never beat the insider information".

I asked it which mistakes retail does and it pretty much re-told every mistake I have done.

Like in some book "the good old tales".

I've met with my ex-chef when I worked at the hotel. I appreciate having conversations with him because he was always this neutral, rooted, intellectual to talk with.

He changed my mind a lot in the past but some of his wisdoms get more clear after waking up.

One thing he said to me was more or less "the stock market is scam. Where is greed, is a scammer".

Back then I thought he just doesn't have experience with it but now I realize he was 100% correct.

That's why neo-brokers are spawning from every corner.

They profit from you not knowing.

Waking up from that made me realize I absolutely lost my original intention.

It was never about money, I just wanted a way to save money without losing buying power.

I wanted to have a reachable investment and got fully lost in the field.

I felt like, the more I research and do, the better I get but caused more harm in the end.

Current strategy? World-ETF.

Nothing else.

diverse and low fees. Put in and don't look.

Boring but better than nothing, at least for now.

Since I don't look up my portfolio and analyze and calculate every event I feel at such ease.

I can breathe again.

He had a similiar take on bitcoin: "If bitcoin was truly free, they would ban it".

And I think he has a good point.

I already thought it was skeptical seeing banks, states and wealthy individuals investing in it.

It makes it not different from any other asset and it shows: every time the stock market had a dip, bitcoin had one too. It became a mirror.

I just started the book "the psychology of money" which was sitting on my bookshelf, recommended by my grok. Even the first couple pages were enough.

You realize that success is more about luck than most want to admit.

I have seen yesterday a post of Sophie Rain on X who made approx. 100M dollars with only fans.

I and many more in the comment section felt stupid for working.

Then I took a step back.

Actually, data shows that most accounts fail. The market is oversaturated.

These are a few stories where they succeed but are more rare than it shows.

I went on her profile and I felt deeply sorry.

She seemed so empty to me.

There was just this shell with nothing else behind.

And there are many more, lured with the promise of getting big amount of money, selling their souls for it.

Money is a tool, not a goal.

Selling your morality and soul for it is a bad trade in anyway.

Invest in yourself

This has been my prio nr.1 always and this hasn't changed but I added a new goal for it.

Something made me realise that one of the deep hidden flaws I have is lacking confidence.

At first it sounds contradicting, because all I do or say seems confident.

But am I truly?

I keep saying things like

"I don't care what others say"

"I do what I wanna do"

et cetera, et cetera...

but when looking at the actual SKILLS I have, I barely have any.

And noticed quickly that every time I was thinking of XY I could be good at my instant reaction is "I am not good enough".

I keep comparing myself with superlatives.

I like writing -> but I can't articulate well.

I like being creative-> but I haven't fully taught myself a skill long enough.

I like fashion -> but I never evolved past copy/paste.

Also when going to that fashion exhibition in singapore, I realised I compare myself too much with people who have been doing it for YEARS.

Not to mention, they probably have help from specialists and don't do it all on their own.

This definitely hurts my confidence a lot more than just how I look to others.

It's something deep inside me that makes me feel "less".

Whatever idea I had, I failed.

and the small successes get unnoticed.

I asked a few people around me what they think my strengths are.

And most said what impresses them about me are my ideas.

That I always come up with something new.

and that surprised me, genuinely.

Mostly, because I didn't see it as a strength.

There's also other "construction zones" about me, that I have ignored for too long.

Building the person you want to become

I keep thinking about what person I want to be.

And we are being taught that this is the right way to work on yourself.

An internal pygmalion-effect.

Mel has mentioned working on yourself in one of her posts and I do agree in some way.

But lately I have been questioning if this theory doesn't have borders as well.

Is it really healthy for someone, to pretend to be someone they are not?

Or trying to be different?

I kept thinking of the person I want to become.

My all-time goal, or journey, to become better than the person I was yesterday.

But it also frustrated me, especially when I wasn't like I wish I was.

I am not stupid, but I wouldn't say I am smart either.

I tend to be quite naive and hopeful.

I am not as rational as I think I am.

I am actually very emotional, just in a different nuance than others.

I currently think that the traits of myself, that I assumed were weakness, trying so hard to get rid off, are actually some strengths.

We don't need more rationality and coldness.

We need more empathy and humanity.

Self-progress in some degree is good,

but denying yourself, only gets rid off the person you are.

Every human has something good about them.

Emphasize on your strengths, don't ignore them.

I am running out of words now but I think part of my thoughts came across now.

I don't think you need a new year as reason to change and make new goals for yourself.

I feel like I can make a cut here and start my new resolutions.

be more offline again

online is too much noise, even without toxic sm.

Talk more to friends and family.

Don't force going out, but spend the evening with a nice dinner.

Or go to museums if you like.

spend time with what brings you joy, without goals

Don't compare with superlatives, go with the flow.

I wasn't good in making nails from the start, I got better by doing it continually for about 3 years now. The same thing applies to literally anything else.

Just experiment, no expectations.

reset and root in core values

I had too many distractions pulling me away from what I value.

money is a tool, not a goal.

knowledge gives perspective, wisdom is action in words.

practice what you preach.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

family first.

work on confidence

I want to improve on my deeper issues that went under my radar for too long.

Be more gentle with myself, I am still young and can't compare myself with others.

I want to become a better version of myself, not entirely new version with force.

Be kind

I have to admit, the past year I got very cynical.

I was very frustrated and let it out on others.

I want to be better next year.

Now I will drink more tea and read my books again.

Having a break helped me a lot.

What are your new years resolution?

If you have any yet of course lol.

xoxo rinmero