I am an old lady

 

Is it time for a little yapping? haha

So since one of my co-workers quit (she offered to stay until I come back from holidays, so the shifts are more manageable), we are only two women now and the secretary managed to make fixed shift schedules for us.

Which means for me, depending wether it's an even or an uneven week, I have fixed days for work...

not like it used to be: 2 days here, 3 there, this week I have thursday off, next tuesday...etc.

but for both cases I have always the monday off, despite today being a holiday.

To me that's cool...I actually prefer having a day off in the middle of the week than saturdays (I am crazy I know).

Since I came back from Singapore I am lazy...like, super super super lazy.

I don't do nothing.

I don't shop, I don't read, nothing...

I come back home, eat something, and stare into my apartment until I go take a shower and then to sleep or something and in the mornings I don't want to get out of bed.
I even barely wear makeup...I don't put on lashes anymore.
I get up so late, I can only put on some foundation, concealer and mascara.

I am surprised I managed to get some housechores done at all and I also baked but I think that was just because it was necessary.

My clothes were all due for laundry, my apartment was a mess and the blueberries would have gone bad lmao...but after that now I have no energy..

I instead think about many things going on.

For example there is a co-worker, who is always a little bit, Idk even how to describe it..

she would joke a lot about all men being horrible but at the same time, she tries to make other people become a couple or smth.

I think she actually does more damage.

She for example suggested that I would be a great couple with another guy at work and then criticize his relationship, who then started questioning his own relationship.

They are about to marry and they had a quiet time in their relationship at that moment, so she made him being unsure if he was doing the right thing.

He now told me, they have talked to each other and it's all good again but nonetheless, it was completely unnecessary of her.

On saturday (or friday?) same thing with another co-worker: She asked me why I didn't take him while he was still single right in front of him (he is muslim? We are good friends but there is nothing else).

And asked him if he can imagine marrying his girlfriend and live with her for 40-50+ years, which he agreed to.

I am glad he can manage her weird comments better than me, she irritates me a lot.

When we are alone, she always has to start that topic and ask me what my problem is, I am a pretty girl and why I can't find a man so on and so on.. and it is annoying.

It makes me feel super lonely too...normally I am quite happy and I rather wait patiently to meet someone that I really like than rush into something or hook up with random people.

However, I can' t stop thinking about how alone I am because of her and if there is something wrong with me and why I am still alone etc.

She makes things weird between me and my co-workers too, which are good friends to me.

I get presented like some product to them from her and they are happily taken, and even though I know they wouldn't join her weird "games" or whatever it is, it still feels like additional rejection to me if that makes sense? 

I wish she would just stop.

I am glad me and my co-workers can talk openly with each other about this, and they dislike it as well, so nothing weird between each other.

I also think about me and what I want to do and what my next plans are etc.

I wanted to start making art and become a writer but I got discouraged a lot over the past month..

I started to feel like I would be really bad at this too, just like I am bad at everything else I did in my life.

What also bummed me was how old I feel, despite being young.

Being in this class in singapore, we also had people my age of course...To me it felt like there were worlds that seperated us. They constantly would go out drinking and have fun and I wasn't the type for it. There were also moments where I just simply did not understand what they were talking about as well.
Instead, I came along very well with the people that were a lot older than me.
I enjoyed having conversations with them. The people my age are all about to study, or had their study breaks or similiar, while I have been in the workforce for a couple years already and you could tell by the mindset. While they were talking about what they wanna do, and plan and dream, I would think about duties, responsibilities etc. lmao

I had the opportunity to wear my short dresses again, as you have seen sometimes in my posts I could already upload, and even if you can't tell in the pictures, I felt incredibly insecure and uncomfortable.
I love gyaru and I love how super cute these dresses look but I maybe really have grown out of it?
I know I already had this talk on my blog, that I want to be more open to just wear what I want and not restrict myself to labels and all that, and I won't...but I also feel like dropping gyaru.
There are some things about it that I obviously still love (for example the long nails, the hairstyles and also partly the makeup) but other than that, I am not that type of person anymore I think.
I just feel stupid, because just a couple months ago I was so excited to step out again and wear gal and all that and now I realised again that I am not.
Also reading other gals blogs made me realise the same thing: They are into it, I am not anymore I guess. Although I like reading about other peoples passions!
Maybe it also has something to do with the loneliness I am currently dealing with. As a gyaru you have more or less a community in fashion, but when I am not, I feel like being alone again or that the contacts I have and like engaging with would drop me.

Maybe I am again in a turning point or something, where I need to grow out into my next phase ORRR I am having a midlife-crisis in my twenties.
Regardless, I am having mentally a rough time right now.

In the morning today I tried reading my blogs again, because I wanted to catch up with the others but these thoughts distract me a lot, so I felt like I had to make a break and just get it out of my chest for now.
I am still writing my singapore entries, which should be done soon because I am almost done and the next days I didn't take much pictures anymore and tried taking it more relaxed during my trip but still I have no energy to start uff...

Maybe, I should bake some muffins again to distract me xD...I have bananas that would turn bad lmao.