Music of memories

caution: post gets really depressing the middle...sorry.

 HEYYYY!!

Bonus post muahaha.

I just finished reading my blog list and while reading Mels blog I came up with another post idea.

You know how sometimes old songs bring up memories?

So I make a small post of songs that remind me of certain phases in my life.

Theres soo many songs of course, so I decided to pick like 4 or 5.

I got reminded of this song by one of rays posts actually wow.

This is like such a typical song that plays when we have weddings or holidays with the family, birthdays etc.

So when I hear this song I think of times when I was a little girl (primary school age) dancing in a white tulle skirt in a big hall.

One time I fell asleep on one of the benches and when I woke up and walked back to my seating place, wanting to continue drink my water, the order of the glasses were a little bit different.

I thought I took my glass, just to end up drinking vodka...which was super disgusting.

We would dance until early in the morning and show up the next day helping to clean the hall.

My parents haven't taught me how to speak russian, so I actually don't understand any of the russian songs we listen to but some just immediately get recognized.

This song reminds me more of my early teen years (or tweens they are called I think?).

I have shown lafee once in my posts, she was like literally a music idol for young girls back then.

She had that little rebel aura (the years of emo btw) and her "L" on the side of her face was absolutely peak back then.

She was an artist we would play up and down.

There was also this shop downtown which offered fanmerch of a dark princess (I forgot her name) but the vibe was real. I even got the striped armsleeves.

Me and my friends would get the hairdye spray cans and sprayed racoon tails on our hairs.

We also got ourselves fake piercings that we put on after we left the house haha.

There are many lafee songs that I love but I specifically chose this one for this post now because just a couple months ago when me and my friend Josi drove to Stuttgart and this song started playing we SANG THE LYRICS WORD BY WORD...we had our own lil concert in the car, I end up missing our exit on the highway.

lil translation:

"Who am I, that I am the one in your heart?

why?

who am I, that I am the one you love?

why?

can I be next to you?

why do you want me?

why am I the one?

why do you tell me: "i love you"?"

This is a song that I listened to during my teenage years.

I used to watch a lot of anime, especially ecchis because I thought they were really funny.

i.e. sora no otoshimono, KissXSis..

I think it was also because I was super depressed during that time and they cheered me up.

I had a dark pink/black bedroom and my dad used a projector to display a striped motive on the wall that should help us to paint it.

I used to spend a lot of time on tumblr doomscrolling through graphic gifs and pictures of selfharm, pro-ana and suicide.

I used to watch shows like american horror stories or supernatural.

Vocaloid and nightcore were standard songs on youtube during that time.

And then I found this one in the recommendations and they added translations on the version from mafumafu.

I was magnetized to the screen.

"We are hated by life itself.

without understanding what luck actually means..

we hate the hand that gave us life.

and damn our past!"

I could copy and paste the whole lyrics because it is just so damn powerful.

I personally believe this and some other songs were what moved me to try to heal and remind myself of the things that actually matter.

matching to the other song, this one holds memories over years...but with a different context.

The first one is...

I listened to this song as a young adult.

Still depressed.

I stopped self-harming though.

I was sick of feeling this way.

I would wake up, go to school, sleep during class, come back home and went back to bed.

I completely distanced myself from my body.

I existed but I was spiritually....dead.

Honestly, I don't hold many memories from these years.

They almost feel like they are deleted from my head completely.

I have no idea what I did or what happened.

There is only few little glimpses...for example the new years eve night I saw fireworks exploding over me and the people cheering around me and I felt so empty.

I cried on the street.

When I heard this song I cried again.

I don't often talk about how I experienced my depression but it's different than most people describe it (this whole sinking in the ocean thing).

A few months after that I dropped out of high school and started my apprenticeship.

I fought a lot with my issues, setting my own borders and limits but also my fears (for example I had crippling social anxiety...and started working as a waitress).

People criticized me for my decision to go without education but honestly it was one of the best decisions I made in my life. I finally felt free and out of the prison that school was in my life.

Not being surrounded by people that hate you, teachers that hated you and miserable grades I finally could move on.

the second memory is approx. 3-4 years later..

I went to mcdonalds drive in, alone because I was taking lunch, parked in the front though.

I still had my old silver volkswagen polo that was like 18 years old or smth at this point.

I was eating my cheeseburger listening to my metal playlist when this song started playing.

...

and I could not relate to it.

That was it...I could not relate to the feeling of wanting to give up.

...wanting to die.

But I can remember the memories of the feeling of how it was like.

Instead of distancing my soul from my body, it was my memories distancing from the pain.

I knew the words I used to describe the pain.

I had no idea how it felt anymore.

and I cried in my car again.

I knew I healed.

and a last one <3

Eisbrecher is one of my favourite bands because of many reasons.

when I listened to this song I started reading dark romance and for whatever reason I was soo into romantic stuff. I also used to watch C-dramas on Netflix of the same genre.

It made me look into china and the language and all of that further.

I remember falling in love with hanfu and their fantasy costumes.

June 2023, I went to my first concert ever and it was Eisbrecher.

I had no idea what to dress because I knew everyone would wear black but all I had were flower dresses.

I actually owned one white dress with a black sea pattern that I chose to wear that day.

The moment they opened, I was absolutely magnetized.

It was the most exciting thing I had experienced for a while.

Eisbrecher means translated Icebreaker, the smoke was intended to look like you are on the antarctis or something like that.

I was bummed a bit they didn't play this song because it is my all-time favourite.

It made me feel excited again for a long time.

I can copy paste the whole text as well..so he pretty much lists a bunch of things that are between him and his love of life.

The refrain is so emotional, I love singing along...

"I race for you

I burn for you

I won't run from any trouble along the way

still there is even more between us"

it builds up over time until it all breaks loose..

"until nothing, nothing, nothing more

stands between us

and I finally feel your heartbeat"

the whole english lyrics can be found here

I love seeing music from other people and I know my taste isn't exactly what others enjoy listening to.

But I also I pay close attention to lyrics. The songs with the best texts end up being the ones I enjoy most.

xoxo rinmero