How to find your true self

 Heya!

So this is going to be more of a yapper post.

So as you might know, I had planned to be a nail artist in my own home.

And although the journey had been quite short, I learnt a few things about myself.

Unfortunately, this won't be a success story, more like a lil self-reflection post.

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The past few weeks I could have started already.

I made a few nails in order to collect pictures or think about how to present myself on social media or what next steps to take.

And that's when progress got really really slow.

I know I was quite busy but also, was I really?

It felt more like making excuses of why I don't have the time to work on it.

At first I thought that maybe I am hesitant because I am afraid but then again, why be afraid?

I have nothing to lose, I could start right away and stop right away.

I talked with a few girls and gently tried advertise myself to them but the interest was literally zero.

Most of the time it wasn't really the designs or the skill sets, it was the money.

Many of them want to get their nails done but it's expensive.

They would even show some artists around and their prices and what they do and honestly I was surprised because I didn't know there where so many nail artists around.

Worst of it all was, they clearly had a great skill set and even cheaper prices.

Honestly, I knew about the competition and I knew it wouldn't be easy but it made me reflect it more.

Like, do I really want this for example.

I thought about this for many hours and honestly, I don't think it's being afraid, or the competition, I just don't wanna do this.

The hesitation is based on "I don't wanna do this", that's it.

I did not wanna do this in the first place and thought about doing press-ons instead and now I believe that both aren't really my thing.

Also compared to the work you put in, being a nailist is just being paid really bad.

I wanted to do this in the hope I could make maybe a hundred or a bit more in the month but now with my new job I make even more than that.

Instead, the other days I feel like resting or doing something less exhausting than sitting 3+ hours in a chair doing a nail set.

I have no passion for this anymore, at least not like I used to.

Obviously I still love beauty and all of that but not in the same way.

So yes, I am going to quit that plan but it probably won't be the last thing I will try.

Also, If I ever change my mind, everythings ready.

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What do I love about my current job?

Autonomy, Planning, Selling...

I am still creative but I don't MAKE the furniture and that's probably what bothered me about the nail idea. I don't want to DO the nails, I just want to sell them?

I am also not done learning in my current role.

I still fear every month "what if I don't hit my targets? What if I can't?".

And now I got new colleagues, some that are quite good actually..."competition".

And, since January I am constantly in the top rankings of the salesmen, which puts a bit more pressure on me. It feels like "I have to be great this month again, this is my reputation. I can't let anyone pass me".

Honestly, this is how it feels to play on the field, so basically to me it means in my head "If you can't handle it on the small field, how do you want to handle it on the big field?".

So that's my next plan actually - just doing my job and learning with it.

Idk why I keep pressuring myself. I saw a post about the average age of female business owners and compared it with the german women. The average age is between 35-38 years old.

BUT that's just the founders, doesn't mean they are guaranteed success.

Of the "successful" or "quickly growing" businesses the age is average 45.

45!! I am 27...I am a baby compared to that.

So yea, I won't stop and I know I say I try to do it calm and easy and without stress but I know myself, as soon I have the next big thing in my head it will be the same.

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Knowing myself also was quite a big topic in my head the past few weeks.

I realized, now that I let things evolve just naturally, it sometimes seems like I am returning to childhood.

Like for example the clothes I would pick, naturally, before I felt like I had to choose an aesthetic.

Or also things that interest me.

And maybe that's why I struggle with finding my career.

In all my dreams and ambitions, I never dreamed of a career.

All I knew was that I will be successful as an adult.

How and with doing what was never determined.

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Do you sometimes believe that children know what they are going to be, before they truly know it and before they are being told what to be?

Like a pattern, that resurfaces over and over again, that tells you "this way, this is you"?.

I have been busy this year building a part of myself and I feel like for the next 3 months, I choose to just live and exist for a while again before heading to my next direction.

To the next thing that shouts which way to go.

xoxo rinmero